Our lives are inundated with practicality and productivity. We think that if there’s no purpose to something, there’s no point in doing it. In reality the best things in life have no purpose.
We sacrifice our time and our sanity doing what we don’t want to do, so at some future point we will create the freedom to do what we love.
We seek happiness in things. We seek happiness in the acceptance of others, in material possessions, in social status. We even search for happiness in some future-promised afterlife. We sabotage ourselves and our entire lives because we fail to understand a very simple but easily overlooked fact.
The Search for Happiness is the Single Greatest Cause of Misery
You can’t find something that’s already there. Happiness exists now. It’s not something you have to find. That’s like trying to find your breath.
It’s the grasping of the mind that causes unhappiness. If you’re not happy, it’s because your mind doesn’t allow you be happy. And the reason your mind doesn’t let you be happy, is because you’re stuck in the vicious cycle of productivity, judgment and purpose. That’s not to say productivity is bad, or that doing things that have a purpose is wrong. It’s basing the reason for your existence on them that causes so much anguish.
When we place our happiness solely in “getting” something, completing a certain number of tasks on our to-do list, or achieving a goal, we’re fooling ourselves. We’re like a rabbit with a carrot stick attached to our heads. We keep chasing the carrot, but we never get there. We never stop to think that it might be the chasing that’s causing the problem. We’re too distracted trying to find a better way to beat the game. As soon as we reach one level of success, we’re hurrying to upgrade our search and move on to the next level of the chase. We never stop to think that it’s not the failure to win the game that causes our grief, but the game itself.
We neglect to realize that sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem. Sometimes the best way to to solve a problem is to just stop caring (see: not giving a damn).
Sometimes…
- The best way to solve the problem of not having a lot of cool friends is to stop caring about having cool friends.
- The smartest way to be happy with the place you live is to stop caring about living in a two story house with a pool, a fireplace, central air and satellite TV.
- The simplest way to be content with yourself is not to achieve greatness and praise, but to accept yourself fully for who you are now.
- The quickest route to happiness is to stop caring about finding happiness and to start being happiness.
By not caring, we immediately release ourselves of the grasping of the mind. But it’s not easy to stay in this mindset (the mind loves to grasp); it’s something we have to constantly cultivate.
It’s especially difficult when our society tends to place more value on things, than on experiences. We value what we do more than how we feel.
This is completely ridiculous when you think about it. Because the way you feel should be more important than anything else. Isn’t the purpose of everything you do to feel good? Isn’t the purpose of that new car, that promotion, or college degree to give you a feeling of accomplishment? Isn’t that supposed to make you happy?
The problem with this is we’re basing our happiness on temporary things. We’re deriving our joy from an achievement, or an attainment. This isn’t true happiness; it’s an addiction. We get a short burst of endorphins to our bloodstream from our new TV/television, or new iPhone, and then what happens? It disappears. It leaves us feeling empty and we begin looking for our next fix.
Our advertising and consumer culture doesn’t help this much. We are constantly bombarded with messages that we need this, or we need that. Incessantly, we hear: “Buy this and it will solve your problem!” If only we could solve that problem we may finally be happy. Wrong. It’s not the problems that are the problem. I mean, buying a more efficient vacuum or sowing on that button you’ve been meaning to for seven years is great. You may feel a sense of achievement for a few moments or days. But you’re still looking for happiness in a thing.
It’s the same with productivity. If only we could finish all of the things on our to-do list, could we be content. If only we could accomplish all of our goals, could we finally be gratified. This thinking is based on the illusion that you’ll reach a certain point where everything is done. You finally made it! There’s nothing left in your inbox, all your projects are complete and your lifelong goals are achieved! Now you can rest easy.
But this point never seems to come, does it? That’s because there will always be things to do. There will always be challenges, because everything in life is constantly changing. If you reached a point in your life where you had no more problems, no more struggles, no more worries, life would stop. The game would end and there would be no point left in playing.
So… what can we do about this?
We Need to Stop Caring
That doesn’t mean we stop trying to achieve our goals or striving for personal growth. It just means that we no longer base our happiness on fleeting, semi-permanent things.
There are obviously some situations where not caring may have serious negative consequences (see paying your rent). Excessive caring, however, is likely to make you miserable.
The reason caring too much can be detrimental to your health, is you’re so focused on the future. Your identity is too attached to outcomes. If something does, or doesn’t go your way, it will likely have an enduring effect on your mood for the rest of the day.
Instead, we should base our happiness on permanent things. Things that don’t change. Desires that don’t shift from moment to moment. We choose to find our happiness in living. In life itself. In fact, we don’t even need to “find” happiness. We can be happiness.
So stop searching. You can’t find something that’s already there.
Nice article…i’m there!
I like how you phrase it: being happiness. It’s all in our minds, isn’t it?
I liked this one a lot! :)
Jonathan,
I agree with most of your points, but the main point is not quite sitting with me. I wholeheartedly agree that happiness is not “out there.” But it’s through accepting where you are that you start spending less time worrying about how where you are is wrong. You accept, and you have no need to care — I’m not sure if it works the other way around? It may just be me, of course.
ari
The first step to not caring anymore is to stop having opinions.
You are so right. Happiness is something we DECIDE.
Each moment of life asks us to make a choice, a choice of action, word, thought, emotion… Billions of choices are being made continually, around the world by billions of people, and every choice influences each of us, either immediately or through a ripple effect, and the art of living life with the least resistance is to understand this and flow with it.
The manner in which we greet every breath of every day determines our level of peace and happiness.
Whenever I find that my mind has wandered into a rut, I pull myself out with this knowledge. If necessary, I go down a list of anything I can think of and really prove that it’s just that damn monkey brain acting up:
“Would a new car give me any MORE bliss? No.”
“Would a cream soda really make me happier? No.”
“Would a raise stop sadness from returning? No.”
What are your thoughts on art?
What is the function of creating art?
Is art meaningless? Or worse, misdirection?
Does it cause more problems than good?
This the whole foundation of the Zen mentality… just be. If you’re always chasing happiness you get in the habit of always chasing… Most of us only experience fleeing happiness because we base it on achievements and possessions.
Great post, i once came to a certain realisation and whilst It isn’t articulated very well, I hope you get the point:
“Nothing can make us as happy as we truly are within. Think of all the things we buy and achieve to feel happy anyway, it’s just an inner feeling we are experiencing. It’s not like a pill that is giving us ‘happiness’. Therefore we have the choice and the ability to be happy more often, if not always”
When I began reading this article I thought: “yeah, I already know this and I think I disagree”. Somewhere in the middle the truth of your words struck me, it’s absolutely true!
Thanks!
I think I would call “not caring” something else … non-attachment! But I completely agree with the essence of this article. Everything we need is right here, right now, in the present moment. Too bad that the mind doesn’t find this thought particularly entertaining, and pushes us back into striving!
Great article.
Blessings,
Andrea
It is because of our attachment to the negative meaning of the phrase “not caring” that we might want to use the phrase “not caring”. Let it go maybe. Just pondering here.
What a wonderful post. The more I simplify my life and concentrate on those things that are really important the happier I am.
I lost my wife to a sudden illness about a year and half ago. This kicked off a period of self examination and a general retooling of my life. Mostly I have found that things don’t satisfy me, the act of doing things with or for other people is where I derive my joy. Doing things is so much more important to me than having things.
Great post, I came a across it via Brazen Careerist.
I’m ending my summer internship today, and am in a weird limbo/freaking out about trying to find the next place to get my achievement fix. At the same time, I’m doing my best to just be. Relax, enjoy where I am. Revel/reflect on my summer, and move forth with diligence, but not urgency. Trust that it will all come full circle the more I stop forcing things to happen. I think it all comes with being 22… :)
@ Ray: I’m so glad that you were able to re-evaluate your life and what matters. That’s a really hard experience to go through.
@ Andrea: It’s a pain in the ass, isn’t it? Sigh.
While on one hand I agree, on the other, if happiness is something we choose to accept in the present, then what is it that drives someone onward?
The evolutionary impulse will never give us peace.
Ever.
We are forever wired to seek and find.
However …
We can adopt a policy of hootless composure, a policy where we can be at peace with either having or not having a particular outcome.
We can find our flow somewhere between stopping and chasing.
Let us care, but let us also take care not to care too much.
Peace.
Happiness is always perspective. But what really makes you happy? At any moment you are choosing what to think and feel, but also how to act. Sometimes we must choose to think about long-term happiness instead of being happy in the moment. Sometimes we must do activities that aren’t very pleasing in the moment, but in the long-run bring us pleasing results. The trick is to keep those long-term results in the back of our mind while we live in the moment. That’s how goals are achieved and that’s another way we can continually escalate our level of joy as we move through life.
This is an excellent post! Thanks for sharing. Not taking life so seriously, not caring too much (or even at all) about stuff is a great way to move effortlessly through the world and, in some rather counterintuitive way, you will probably end up being more successful and adding more value.
I don’t care for this article much,
that makes me happy!
Love this. I have often told my clients, “Working more is not the answer. You could work 24 hours a day and there will always be more work to fill you time.” I believe some of the keys to happiness are just what you said. Stop chasing “IT” and just choose to BE it.
Excellent stuff, as usual! :)
~Monica
I’m approaching the end of research for a book I’m writing – a narrative tale of a person’s search for Wisdom/Happiness/Meaning. I’ve stumbled on this blog from a post on Zen Habits and it has crystalised the thoughts I have about happiness. Thank you so much.
Now all I have to do is write the actual words…
@ Monica: I completely agree. I mean, we chase these things, material things, lifestyles, etc. But what we’re really trying to find is acceptance of ourselves. We think as soon as we start living based on a certain idea of a lifestyle that others will approve of, or as soon as we get enough stuff, we can finally accept our lives and be happy. That’s just ridiculous.
@ DiscoveredJoys: Sounds really interesting. Let me know when you’ve got a copy, I would love to check it out.
Can you believe that achieving things gives you happiness?
Therefore constant achieving equals constant pleasure?
Society does not only need peace loving individuals. Anything around you that gives you the opportunity to have a better standard of living, security, access to information, etc, was accomplished thanks to someone who decided it was good and started working on it (a chaser). You can thank him for that.
This concept is valid as part of a complete whole, not as the only food to your brain and spirit.
Like I said, “not caring” is applicable for many things, but if you have young hungry children at home or a sick mother, you better start caring and chasing to find a solution for your the problem.
Cheers.
Yup I think you are hitting upon something here. I digg. not sure what I can add other than be happy. :-)
Once again, your post has struck a nerve with me. It’s really speaking to my heart and exactly what I need to hear at this moment. I struggle with this daily as my mind insists on sticking in the same rut of the “pursuit of happiness”.
Naturally, no one around me gets it either. They don’t see that I am unhappy because they see that I have all the things that are “supposed” to make a person happy: good job, nice house, nice car, etc. Perhaps I need to realize that I CAN be happy. Right NOW. Nothing needs to change but my mindset. It’s a lot easier said than done.
I think I agree with what you are trying to say.
I think you are not saying it quite clearly – or I am confused or I disagree.
Focusing on more permanent things. I can’t think of a desire that doesn’t vary fairly rapidly: I’m hungry, I eat, no more hunger and so on.
Focusing on the future also happens here and now. There are reasons for our doing it (some good – making sure we get the rent paid, some we may think not so good).
I think we can be with our desires and that in this process we find a sense of equilibrium. This may be what you mean by happiness.
I like your approach. I will be reading your site again.
Wonderful post!
My online nickname – and the title of my blog – is based on this quote by David Hume: “The great end of all human industry, is the attainment of happiness. For this were arts invented, sciences cultivated, laws ordained, and societies modeled, by the most profound wisdom of patriots and legislators. Even the lonely savage, who lies exposed to the inclemency of the elements, and the fury of wild beasts, forgets not, for a moment, this grand object of his being.”
Let me quote that first line again for effect; “The great end of all human industry, is the attainment of happiness”. I agree wholeheartedly with your analysis that many of our troubles and hindrances to happiness is that we set our goals too high and/or do not simply become happy with what we have. The psychologist within me, however, wonders where this behavior comes from, and why we all seem to be given this drive to focus on the future and the outcomes. Already at school we focus on getting high test grades just to be able to “succeed”, and put ourselves through long hours of study.
But I digress. Again; wonderful post, very impressive, and I’ll be adding this blog to my feed aggregator to read more in the future.
Very good post! It reminded me a lot of a book I just finished called “The Geography of Bliss” by Eric Weiner. If you have yet to read it I would recommend it, it deals with this subject in a very entertaining and eye opening way. I always need a reminder to stop caring. Thanks!
This is beautiful! I hope you don’t mind, but I am printing it out (with credits to you and your blog) to share. If this is bad please let me know. Thank you!!
word. The easiest way to get rich is not to want anything.
Hey,
I’m new to your blog, though i’ve read some of your contributions to zenhabits. Anyway, i agree to your points. Many of us believe that happiness is attainable with having all those things we’ve dreamed of.We’ve gotten used to listing the thing we should have: The new car, the big house, or the job title. Yet, in truth we can be happy where we are. This post reminded me of a book i read called Dematerializing, how society is teaching its kids to attach who they are to what they have. Unknowingly, we are teaching them to be unhappy about themselves. Kudos to this post. We should stop caring about what the norm is, sometimes we need to take a step back from the should bes and have tos of this world and just be ourselves—love who we are and be happy with that. Pursue what we love, because we love it, not because its going to get us a bigger house.
“There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way”——Buddah
Great articles. I live a simply life and it’s only when I think about what I don’t have (and feel I should have) that I get down. Most of the time I’m happy for no particular reason. It’s just a choice. It’s always nice to see articles reinforcing what I already do and that provide additional tips. Thanks!
I totally needed to read this. Thank you. I’m going to buy your book right now…
Buddha said “too attached”
Christ said “not of this world”
Great article there mate, you’ve written exactly what I’ve come to realise recently. Very good article.
You can be happy if you stop caring but eventually you start to feel as though purpose is missing from life.
Happiness, per se, is overrated.
thanks for the article
Wow…. I really needed to hear that; I’ve been depressed lately and now I’m beginning to understand why.
Interesting article and topic. Recently I was put in a situation where I pretty much chose to adopt this mindset. It was a very good choice – kinda like the Universe offered me a moment and I embraced it. The powers that be did not much care for it – but that was there ego talking and I have NO tolerance for egos.
I don’t care about happiness and so this article is not very useful for me! Just kidding – great post!!
I would concur with everything here except for that rubbish about what we feel being an end to itself.
I’m miserable and downright content with it.
Your ideas about happiness are enlightened. “Future” and “Past” are both unreal except as experienced within each mind. Every one of us will die. It is sad that this short span of life should be greatly controlled by memes of hyper-productivity mixed with unending fear. The answer to this slavery lies within, as we invent our own purpose between bouts of having it inflicted upon us by outside forces.
Maximize pleasure. Minimize pain.
“the way you feel should be more important than anything else”
I agree with most of what you say here, but you’ve got to agree that there is validity to the idea that the way you feel is often, in fact, much LESS important than a lot of other things, including doing what you know needs to get done in SPITE of how you feel. I guess the distinction is between letting your feelings dictate how you live your life and letting PRINCIPLES dictate how you live your life. I for one have spent much of my life being far too attached to my feelings and “what they mean” and processing them, and I believe that this “addiction” has held me back enormously. Doesn’t Buddhist meditation teach us to view the world, and (especially) our emotional landscape with detachment, so that we can see the fallacies we’re wrapped up in? Doesn’t it show us a path to, if not enlightenment, then at least clarity? And doesn’t that clarity allow us to in fact make BETTER choices for ourselves?
wow. this explains my misery since my adolescence (when i started asking endless questions of “why…. why…?”.
i was always searching for happiness. i would read articles and self-help books and it wouldnt work.
i would start going into a deeper level such as philosophy and psychology, but the more do, id feel lost as ever.
i guess i just have to ‘stop trying’ to grasp the ‘un-grasp-able’.
stop being too fixated and obsessed with goals and achievements, especially those that are attached to my ego.
I thought this post was great, but I think Michael Shanley was completely wrong on one point, and I feel compelled to bring it up in this way. A cream soda will almost always make you feel better. I mean, come on, it’s CREAM SODA!.
Warm Regards,
James.
what are the permanent things we should care about? what’s permanent in life?
God is the only permanent thing in life.
So true!
i need enlightening. i want to learn how to not care. i am feeling alone & it sucks. if there is a way to live life & be uneffected by the actions or absence of action of others i would like to find it. i am tired of feeling (for others?). i just want to sleep most of the time…but i can’t sleep all day & all night. i don’t want to feel this way anymore.
For me, the first time I felt a real sense of contentment, peace, and perhaps happiness, was when all the things I cared about fell apart. I lost the love of my life, my thesis collapsed, where I live I have no friends, nor any source of income. I, in other words, lost everything that matters to me. Yet, in all the misery, confusion, pain and anxiety, it dawned on my that actually, I am okay :)
Live,Love,Laugh
Thanks for the wise words. I’m gonna try this, cuz I need it right now. I seem to be in a bind and afraid to personal grow. This may be just what I need.
Great post. Seriously (y)
GREAT article. Just the advice I was looking for. Helped tremendously.
Found this via another blog, had to say it’s GREAT. I care way too much about what I shouldn’t, and strive for perfection when I should realize that what I do now is fine. It’s been hard for me learning to accept myself, but bit by bit and day by day I think I’m learning to do just that. Someday, maybe I won’t have to worry about it so much. I hope.
My motto is…..”Its not that I don’t care, its just not important”. People get themselves all bent out of shape, first of all because they can’t say no, they sign for packages that don’t have their name on them. Most people today do not have any boundaries and they let anything and everything bother them. And they don’t forgive, so they let someone who offended them to contol them. I’ve met a lot of bleeding hearts, and to be honest with you I let them bleed. Of course I’m not the most popular person, but I’ll tell you this much I’m the happiest.
I care to much this is my problem! I am always trying to care! I am always thinking that people are mad at me or I say hello to people all the time I am excesive and the3y end up hating me for it! I am horrible at this I am too nice of a person and AI need to stop! I need to stop caring and being so dame nice! Because, of this I have no friends and girls are not atracted to me what do I do?
This is just fantastic – the expressions are very clear and beautiful, worth pondering – a great post.
This is a really great post but you say to not care anymore so nonchalantly. It’s not possible the way you set it up. It’s kind of like telling an alcoholic to still drink but to not let it bother them. It would be fantastic if there was another article that explained a way to complete the goals established on this website.
It is so difficult to not feel the pressure to get the quick fix of endorphins by “keeping up with the jones’s” and feeling to the need for achievement such as a college degree. It is also hard to see where you can achieve happiness without these things. For many happiness=success as you stated. It is important to look at the simple pleasures in life that make you happy and surround yourself with these things. Thanks for your great article!
It is a top class article! I really like it.
“Happiness is here”- Andrew
awesome post, thanks
I believe that i can now rest easy,thank you, i feel that now that you have opened my eyes. It was the very pursuit of my own happiness and my constant philosophy that if i could control things and plan out things in my future things would get better for me. but now i realize that it was my own anxieties that were my undoing because my care about my own personal happiness was my undoing.
Thank you a lot for your article
Wow! Simply great. I don’t know whether you have read Bhagvat Gita or what, but simply what I was trying to understand from that appears here in straight simple English! I landed in your site from another similar site (Enhnace life). I think today I am very lucky.
Thank you all.
I have thought about this a lot. We are human “beings,” not human “doings.” Happiness can only come from God (Jesus Christ). We need to “Be still and know that He is God.”
what is simple is true!
Reading this article made me feel great. I didnt stumble upon this. I was intentionally googling “how to stop caring”. This article told me everything I was wanting to hear. I’m ‘happy’ now.
Wow, I did the same thing… google’d for ‘how to stop caring.’
My current situation represents the comic strip of dilbert.
Since a young boy i’ve had a fascination with technology and strive to become an amazing engineer. Currently I work with a load of morons. Where all my ideas, projects, and aspirations mean nothing. Because the people around me are nothing. Yet they are happy and ignorant. Why? Because they do not care. This has hurt me greatly. The current economic situation forces me to stay. I believe this article has helped me continue on.
Bryan
“Why do I give valuable time
to people who don’t care if I
If I cry…
And why do I smile
at people who I’d much rather
kick in the eye?”
Morrisey
I liked this. I think I tasted some Buddhism, Stoicism and Law of Attraction ideas baked in there. My brain found it pretty delicious.
I was going to post a comment but then right at the last second, I “stopped caring….” :)
If I could only put this into practice, I’d be a whole lot happier.
Thanks for the article.
What a pile of nonsense
Are you thinking straight? I dont think so
lol i didnt read this because i really didnt care am i doing this right?kidding great article
wow. this is exactly, and i mean exactly, the philosophy that ive tried to cultivate over the last couple years. but its always nice to hear it from another source
IM so lost why dont I like church anymore I dont care about things anymore also work i do ref a/c and i dont care about that i want to be a butler / driver and be only that I have my money i want to relax ben working all my life
you just presented me an option to my current state of unhappiness…
This is so fantastic…. i am so short of words but its fantastic. This should go to ALL
I came across this page searching for a way to stop caring. I am divorced three years, but because I have kids, I see my ex every week. His rudeness is what gets to me sometimes. Perhaps it’s the way he deals with his insecurities. Whatever the reason, I want to stop caring about what he says and how he says it. Please help!
To continue in same direction I would recommend to read Erich Fromme.
Emma, you need to de-attach this person and the most effective way is to forgive. Doing this sincerely you will be surprised to see it as child’s play.
Found this post while poking through the archives, and love it. It reminds me of a quote I’ve always liked:
“If that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am That which is attained at the end of desire.”
That “I” is happiness, or God, or whatever abstract thing we’re seeking. If we refuse to see that it’s already within us, we’ll never find it looking outside. We have to be complete unto ourselves to find happiness — things outside of ourselves are never going to fill the holes we make in our own hearts.
That is a beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing Ealasaid.
I have never ever left a comment on any bloggin site but this time I’ve made an exception – your posts are just amazingly insightful and totally resonate with me!
Keep it up, Please :D
my husband of 27 years has struggled with depression for years and after getting a lot of stuff off his chest has told me that he no longer cares about me , the kids or anything, we are all illusion, non permanent beings and he says he no longer cares. He is waiting to die.This is heartbreaking because we share the same planet and though you may see our attachment and desire for this man as folly, we love him and pray that he will step outside his misery and self destructive thoughts and find happiness.
I just came across this post and appreciated it. It reminded me of this poem I wrote, with a similar theme of letting go of the striving to join into what’s actually happening, now, in present time, without the mind being locked into the grasping of something else.
Preparing
The ingrained sense of preparing
For what?
The next thing
Always the next thing
Achieving mastery then moving on
Always preparing for the next thing until…
Finally events come that are what we think we’ve been preparing for
We feel the high of arriving
A moment of achievement and recognition
We’ve made it
We’re successful
Until the event is over
Then there is something else
There is always something else
Until there is nothing else
Only now
It is always here
It is always complete
It is always awaiting our recognition of it
As we live into it and join with it, it is more fully revealed to us
We have prepared enough
We are good enough
We have always been good enough
We can live the dynamic, ever evolving experience of now
How?
Just ask the questions
You’ll know when you know
I have some depreciation issues cause i always want to get something better or go to college cause my mom pushes me so much or get better friends because most of the kids here are professional snowboarders. or bebetter at snowboaring cause the daughter of the lady i live with is sponsor by burton and super friends with everyone but hey im not half bad either sometime you have to realize that there is something different plan to come your way and that you need to stop trying to find what will never come. it might come yes butt sometimes we want something so bad we tend to push it or make our lifes evolvearround this thought and this is what this post made me realize. stop caring about what my mom wants about what society wants because society will always want more and more!!! thanks for this post very powerfull
I really like this article. I have found that life has a way of putting you were it wants to put you regardless of your actions anyway. I do believe that we should put effort into life but I have literally almost driven myself completely insane trying to accomplish this or that. I have also learned to release myself from the misery of always having to know that a project or idea will work out. I used to get really frustrated because I thought things didn’t work out for me because I wasn’t being the positive thinker that everyone says you need to be in order to succeed. Then I looked up and realized that these people are not that much more successful than me and they are assessing the reason for my failure? I have to be honest with myself. I don’t know if anything will work out and at this point I am fine not knowing because all of the so called knowing is put to naught when a so called non educated individual from a poverty stricken background can create a billion dollar company while a PhD grad is out unsuccessfully looking for a job. Just my opinion.
Really great advice, especially on a topic that is pretty saturated. We are taught to care about everything, so much that it distracts us from what truly matters. If someone tells me about some world problem, the first thing I ask is why should I care? It may sound heartless, but unless it is a game changing incident like 9/11, the world will go on without noticing.
If I knew how to meditate, i’d meditate on this.
Excellent blog post and true. In fact, it is the Dharma. It’s foundational Buddhism: The Four Noble Truths. Suffering exists, and craving is the cause of suffering, are one and two of those Four. Not trying to shoot you down, here, but pointing out to your readers that their experience of your teachings can be enhanced and informed by reading up on a little Buddhism. Personally, I feel that my Buddhist background has really helped me, so I can do nothing but recommend it as a good option :D
Hi there, I do think your site could possibly be having internet browser
compatibility issues. When I look at your site in Safari,
it looks fine but when opening in I.E., it’s got some overlapping issues. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Aside from that, fantastic website!
I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme.
Did you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?
Plz reply as I’m looking to construct my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. thanks
I would have finished reading, but I didn’t ca
It’s a good article. But everyone says stop caring, live the moment, but how are you supposed to do that? I mean, it’s easy to say not easy to accomplish. Any tips?
I found this article to be true for me. My husband works so much. He spends more time working than sleeping and spending time with myself and our child. He is in AA and seems to have traded one addiction for another. I am grateful for all that he provides us, but all I really want is to spend my life with him. He is an incredible human being, obviously lives an addicts mindset. I get caught up on a daily basis chasing my own “carrot”, my husbands attention. So I suppose his goals/searching are in conflict with my goals. What a pickle!
Agree to most of it,disagreeing to “The simplest way to be content with yourself is accept yourself fully for who you are now”.
Starting by the physical part:
For example, nowadays, if you dislike your nose, why not change it? Or for example, if you wanna be fitness fit why not work for it, why just accept your body the way it is now, feeling uncomfortable with it?
It does not necessarily imply that society influences are what is making you be ashamed of your body, it might be you who want to be different from what you are now. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with wanting to change if it is possible? Of course with today’s pressures in the Western culture (where we live) it is hard to figure out how you want to look and what are you pressured to look… acknowledging that there is a difference between the both and dedicating yourself to stop caring about how others expect you to look like and focus on how YOU want to look like is THE REAL way to accept your body fully.
The main problem that practically nobody is acknowledging: we are trying to teach people to accept themselves they way the look and ignore what they are “expected” to look, but we are also subconsciously teaching people to ignore their own expectations towards their bodies, and this not positive, because we need to know “what we want from ourselves”.
You might ask me right now, what if their choices are unhealthy? This is were we and society should really contribute. Educate people to the possible risks of their decisions, so they can make choices that contribute to improve their inner confidence while also their life quality.
Now in terms of the psychological part:
Apply the same idea.
I am just going to give a brief example resume:
If you have, shall I say, a very violent temperament, just thinking ” screw everybody, i am going to stay the way i am and the ones that love me can handle me” will only make you miserable. And if a person acts violently they are not happy and need to get help.
But if on the other side, and i am going to give the most cliche example ever, you are gay, you need to stand strong and fight for your rights, because it is not affecting negatively anybody else happiness and it is improving yours, it is who you are: not a habit, not a tic, not a reaction,etc (all these being alterable) it is WHO YOU ARE.
I am sorry for practically not dedication attention to the psychological part but i am tired and i think you all understood :).
Personally that is my way for somebody to accept itself fully.
Love and happiness to us all
PS: Yes, it is completely ok to influence somebody else happiness…positively.
i believe that being is the step beyond happiness. Happiness can’t exist without a perspective
that something gives us pleasure. If there is no pleasure at the moment we must make one. To
make one you are chasing that state you seek i think. Being saying to me that we are not
good or bad. We are part of what created us and that has no identification with good or bad it goes beyond that. Our experience in our life is what we identify with and it is conditional.
If it is conditional we are constantly fearing change cause who we are is not the ideal state.
We resist and create problems, we chase conditions that make us happy. I believe when we
are happiest we are not so much happy which to me means a euphoria based on perception
of ideal state, but we are being and forgetting about good or bad and not fearing good or bad. We feel free of condition and bring a lightness to what we do or don’t do. Doing isn’t a problem, nothing is a problem in relation to being. We just resist being cause we fixate on our identity as what is happening.
I really love this article. I loved how you phrased it : “We never stop to think that it’s not the failure to win the game that causes our grief, but the game itself.” That’s totally right.
I’m 19 and I’ve come to realise that I agree with most the stuff you’ve mentioned in your post. It’s wonderful to be able to appriciate the little things, but I wish it was easier to teach others, or to explain how to be like this. I have friends who think similarly, but all my family are material or have already given up on real happiness. Over these past few years I’ve come to see old school friends begin to change into the ‘dead’ adults I see everyday, with no way to wake them up.
(Please excuse me if this doesn’t make sense; I’m no good at explaining things.)
What if living is something that makes you miserable? The fact that I have to get up every morning, feed and wash my body and give in to its whims is perpetually annoying. I have to work in order to make money in order to take care of this body that I don’t even want. Living is the reason for my unhappiness. What do you suggest I do about that?
Thanks for this, it’s very true and I’m going to work on this.
This is a great article…for lazy, whiney flakes who can’t make it in the real world.
Great attitude to adopt when you know you don’t have what it takes.
Good luck with ‘being happiness’. lol
Life is what you see it as and while you look inside yourself for happiness it’s all to easy to look outward to find momentary happiness. I’ve learnt that the things which are hard tend to lead to success. I care too much and it comes easy for me, which is why I have a hard time finding happiness. The hard part is not caring. I am not sure if I like the not caring part but I do know that if I stop attaching myself to everything and everyone, which will be hard, eventually I will look inward for true happiness.
Thanks for writing an article that has so much meaning. I am smiling and I feel the happiness inside.
Starting now will I no longer attach myself to others and things, which will be hard but so worth it. Hard work = success and I WILL find my true inner happiness.
Thanks a million!! :)
This article is VERY misleading, and while some points are dead-on, is the exact reason that society is in the toilet. People who don’t care, quit dreaming. They quit setting goals and accept themselves for what they are right now, with no ambition for the future. This is the wrong mind-set to be in. Yes, people need to quit “chasing” happiness, but what you describe here, is essentially nothing more than just giving up.
We are all somewhat afraid of being beyond the known but the greatest beauties in being we don’t know how they are here. Just being here for instance. Or a flower. Your focus seems to be that we all should each know or own our own known values and things we believe ARE good. But all of us (hardly any of us can entirely agree on exactly what is always good) and if we go on imposing achievement of our goals someone else (or the environment) will get stepped on. Look at all the damage that ambitious people do. Do means justify ends? (that may be another issue but I think it’s related, Look where the Iraq war got us). I think the spirit of the article is to be open for openness sake, now. It’s about not focusing only on outcomes and assumptions like they teach in AA. We can be considerate and mindful of others that may not have specific goals. Nonjudgemental and unconditional love is possible. In the world not of it. This does not mean not caring about others or not caring about the body and it’s cares but is about inner freedom. Do you deny that you can be content now without goals right now? Some people do have trouble with that. The more I can be open and loving now, the more I can adapt to whatever arises and deal with it without my agenda and without negativity. See my other posts below if you want a better look at what I’m getting at.
Accepting how you are makes you happy now, but it won’t make you happy for long since it is in human nature to want more. So accepting who you are makes you happy now but it won’t make you happy in the future since you will want more. I don’t say that life isn’t ok to just want something, like the way you are now, but you only have one life and i believe that you should challenge yourself because the satisfaction you get when accomplishing something bigger is much rewarding than when your are just being happy with what you are now. But that’s just my:P
But it’s not that I want “the way” now is. I am the now. It’s not even mine. See my other numerous comments below and let me know what you think. I am finding my way out of any negativity. And love and bliss is there/here. It takes time to stabilize.
I loved this. Thank you for spelling it out so eloquently.
I love this article…although I must disagree on a few points. The author says that (1) the best things in life have no purpose and that (2) people who seek material happiness are like rabbits with carrots attached to our heads. As a 33 year old single guy who is currently making around $1 million / year, I’ve indulged myself in some of the better things in life (i.e, Ferrari 458) and can tell you positively that such things do make a significant difference in overall happiness. I honestly cannot think of anything else I’d rather do than to be behind the wheel of my 458, grinning ear to ear, laughing maniacally as I slip the tail end out around an 80 mph turn on a country road in my native upstate NY. So, the people who say such things as 1 and 2 above are most likely simpletons who aren’t going to enjoy the better things in life regardless of how they are gotten because of the basic fact that they are simpletons.
The way I see it is that true freedom IS simple and is not dependent on some temporary stimulation. The body and mind ARE dependent on stimulation but that’s all mechanical and not pure spontaneous unknown being. If you can just forget the “I am” a bit and just be open now you may BE the bliss as presence. It takes close attention to drop the “I am”. Read the Nisargadatta Gita. Why be concerned and dependent on whether you get to drive your car?
Wonderful article. Many thanks for sharing your wisdom.
I’m just curious, if lack of love is your major problem, is it best to stop caring about it too?
I was thinking the same thing! This article becomes a bunch of bologna, because it indicates that people only try to place their happiness in things. Well, suppose the problem you’re having has to do with being lonely? (not just lonely based on not having found the right significant other, but also having a hard time making the right friends due to your age, lack of family members, location, and other demographics). Then what? I no longer place my happiness in material things, but I don’t feel fulfilled if I feel empty when it comes to human relationships. Remember, not everyone is able to achieve the relationships they desire. A person WILL remain unhappy if they feel alone and there’s nothing they can do about it.
I know that making new friends at midlife is hard. I am in a similar situation. I am also lonely. Loss of friends and family is hard to cope with. I lost a lot of my friends when I stepped away from my religion. I also realized that I am undervalued and am overlooked a lot by my dwindling family. I am looking for local meet ups and social activities in my area. I have not had much success. I will keep trying because I know a lot of people are in the same situation but cannot find each other to make social connections with other lonely people who live nearby. Some wont admit to being lonely. Many people are busy with jobs and family and are not available. I am tempted to make flyers and put them on the bulletin boards in local businesses. To meetup for coffee, take a walk or do something as a group. The local libraries have activities that I am checking out. Also the recreational facilities might have something to offer. I hope we all can find relief from isolation and find new friends to enjoy being with. Best wishes to all!
Nelson is case and point why you shouldn’t care too much about life. Why work your ass off and practically kill yourself to get that 50k annual salary if someone like Nelson is just going to come around the corner in his 458 at 80 mph and cream you and your family in your used minivan that isn’t completely paid off, ruining all of it.
Its good to not care, but when your finances are dried up with the costs of living, your income will start to matter. Even if you can’t find a job in your field of choice, something that will pay the bills should be the first step to a healthier existence.
Thank you for permission to stop caring. I realized today that my husband is able to hurt me because I care about things. He has a tremendous need for control–Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. Whenever he feels a bit anxious, he studies me to find something to criticize. He then makes a new Rule to urge me toward perfection. Then he feels better, and another little corner of me has been chopped away.
He took over all cooking a few years ago when he joined a weight-loss group. He explained that my cooking had caused us both to gain a lot of weight. Because he’s a perfectionist, he is able to follow recipes stringently. I’ve always been more relaxed and lackadaisical, and simply could not do that. He and I both lost weight. That was good, though I felt a sense of loss–the kitchen had been my domain.
What’s not good is that his drive for control has taken over almost every aspect of my life, over the course of 45 years. I’ve tried explaining that his slow barrage of critiques is like death by a thousand cuts. He retorts that it’s strange and silly for me to argue for the right to make errors. I have no comeback for that.
I’m retired and ill. I can no longer drive, so I’m housebound. I’ve learned to take pride and joy in small accomplishments, such as doing the dishes and putting them away each night (MANY dishes–he’s now a master chef), waking to a sparkling kitchen.
Yesterday he explained that I have not been hanging the large utensils in the correct order over the stove. I quickly took a photo so I could refer to it from now on, but he said that he had just wasted 15 seconds looking for a grater while preparing a (splendid) meal–it should have been in a storage pot but I’d put it in a drawer. I started to jot that down but he had already made a new Rule: I may still do the dishes, but I must now place all cooking utensils on the counter. He will put them in their correct places, come morning.
I stared at him in shock. My silence pleased him. He said he’d been worried that I might object or say I felt hurt. He congratulated me for readily accepting this change.
This morning, he noticed that I had not yet taken my coffee from the coffeemaker, so he interrupted important work I was doing on my computer to get me to do that. I suggested that he should simply pour my coffee into my mug so he could make his own. I pointed out that he had been so perturbed by a 15-second interruption that he’d made a whole new rule about the dishes, yet he’d just interrupted me as if my own work doesn’t matter. He accused me of sounding “irritated,” started yelling, and stormed upstairs. Later on, he said he just doesn’t know what to do about me. He said he always feels like he’s walking on eggshells, afraid to say a thing because I’m so easily hurt.
I cannot change this man. I’ve tried without success, year after year. He is good, kind, and loving in so many ways. Therapy has helped him yell less (he used to have screaming rage attacks) and helped me step back from chronic suicidality. I have no other family and no way to live apart from him.
So my new project is to stop caring. Minute by minute, I am concentrating on not feeling much of anything. If I can do this just right, I will be able to feel a bit of secret pleasure now and then; I don’t dare feel too much, because then I’d hurt too much when some random new Rule eliminates whatever made me happy. But perhaps a little pleasure. That would be good.
Can you NOT CARE? Value and identity is our nature somehow. Not knowing and not really caring one way or another is also our nature (true patience of/as just being) if we give it a chance. There is freedom in not really knowing because there is always something more to know even in the world of scientific fact. This relates to why we like movies. We don’t know what will happen next. Some of us live as if there’s nothing new to be known. How drab. Your husband is hung up of believing he knows right and knows good. History is all about someone imposing their “right” causing fright in others. But even a victim can BE FREE beyond life and death and beyond the body. “Let the dead bury the dead” and we just might help them see how they create suffering and negativity. My suggestion is to read some Nisargadatta and the Nisargadatta Gita and closely observe. (it takes getting used to just what “I am” is) Beyond “I am” is absolute freedom.
I just want to say.. thank you very much for this :)) Because of this I already find the answer that I have been looking for a long time. Thank you.
This is easy and already understood. Fightjng for your child and relationship with him. Its easy when you dont include an ex eife.and without having children.
Brilliant article! I’ve gone back to uni this year and have been struggling mentally: too worried about passing and what I’m going to do for a job after. I was feeeling down about an assignment due after Easter (becsuse of some missing data needed to finish it) was convinced I’d fail. After a while I thought “screw this, I don’t care anymore”. During my next lecture, I started to feel better and after the lecture the vital data to my assignment was emailed to me and I felt better about finishing the assignment.
I’m still worried about what to do after uni, but I’m going to focus on passing uni first.
Try sleeping in 100 degree nights or cockroaches in your ears,then proverb this zen. The world is the way it is for a reason, for whatever reasons we may have, we push ourselves for evolution. Although calming as it is,Don’t let this article allow you to question your drive.
Yes, last comment Derek, but who really cares?
Can you NOT CARE? Value and identity is our nature somehow.
i do actually not care abouth nothing else than my girlfreand. i dont give a shit aboth good work, money, etc..the only thing i need though is to have enough to survive with my girlfreand. its funny that i feel this way becuase everyone around me just think abouth things forexample their stupid insanity abouth getting more money. does anyone feel the same as me or… almost? because noone is the same i guess…
Had a smile on my face about half way into the first paragraph that stayed there through the entire article. I am “Being Happiness” right now! Thank you!
Do you think this applies to sex? Like if you cannot get any.
You can get distracted from strong desire by other so called good or bad things but can’t get distracted from Being. Somehow it is good to be.
Instead, we should base our happiness on permanent things. Things that don’t change.
There is nothing that does not change, everything is impermanent. so that is a stupid 2 sentences right there. Name one thing that does not change at every second of the day. One thing. There is nothing that remains the same.
the only thing that remains unchanging is change itself.
If you read Nisargadatta you will come across what he says about what is changeless. Awareness and Being beyond awareness that is aware of change is not one of the changes nor “change” in general. Something to that effect. Beyond words thus beyond known. Beyond the “I am”. Just That. When I read the “Nisardadatta Gita” I enter with intuitive insight. He helps me to observe and to unknow.
While I agree in some degree with what’s being said, it’s a dangerous way of thinking if you plan on doing something with your life other than following the course of the river.
Awesome article. wise words.
The momentum of belief that there IS value in stuff (thoughts, actions, events, ideas, imaginings, knowns, beliefs,ways, objects, assumptions, conclusions, time, the IDEA of “now”, A REAL subject like A ME….) is hard to break. I have found it is possible to BE freedom and limitlessness as open awareness it’s nonself or Selfless Self and still be functional and do good for self and others. Just being the ability to be doesn’t and isn’t happening in an order of before and after and there IS no loss or gain when a flower buds or dies but it’s ability to be IS here somehow. The flower is just like a fractal. You are a fractal. All with or within awareness. I sometimes see reality as something like what I just wrote , but I still fall for the old habits but I don’t give up working on exposing them or letting them expose themselves. There’s an article by Rupert Spira “The Absolute and the Relative” that is great. I especially love the last two paragraphs where he says “one can not recognize the truth of all pervasive indivisibility and continue to maintain the fiction of separate personification”. Also read anything by Nisargadatta. The difference of “BEING unknown open awareness” and knowing reality as limited is the difference of suffering or bliss.
Don’t mean to burst the bubble of a great article that I completely get, but Johnathan will the world get filled with shallow and detached individuals if EVERYONE started not caring all at once? I see what you mean as an inner state of mind and heart but practically by way of outward actions, will EVERYONE deciding to not care make some people hurt other people SINCE the world is filled with unique personalities? Not caring will make everyone develop an aloof and carpe diem attitude all of the time :-)
I think its not about not caring overall, I think it means not getting overwhelmed by things that cannot be changed at the moment or if ever. Not driving ourselves to attain to meaningless things that do not have value or do not help us to progress in life but actually hinder us. It is normal to strive to pay for our necessities of life, to take care of ourselves, continually do laundry, clean, shower, cook, shop over and over again. It is not easy for most of us. Why make it harder by going into emotional and physical overwhelm for things that harm us or hinder us. I would like to do better in my life. To strive for improvement is good. To try to attain the unattainable only harms us. I guess being reasonable and accepting our genuine limitations can give us peace and relief from too much unnecessary struggle. Stop comparing ourselves to others is a good idea. You don’t know how others are able to get what they have. They may be in deep debt trying to maintain a lifestyle they cannot afford. Some may be more fortunate in life, but most of us are not.
This was great and very helpful! Thank you!!
That sounds great but HOW do you stop caring? I care greatly about nature, national parks, forests and wildlife, all the things america, americans, and our corrupt government cares nothing about and wants to eliminate. I don’t care about material things, don’t want a fancy car or huge house, I only want to live in peace yet can’t in this ugly, evil world. SO HOW DO I STOP CARING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER MOST TO ME?????????????????????????
Thank you so much :)
Happiness is an illusion – you cant ‘be it’ nor attain it. Its an emotion just like anger, which you would not want to have 24/7. All emotions are fleeting – unless you’ve got a serious issue (i.e. depression). You can’t be anything 24/7 nor should you want to be. And being happiness is an effort not a relaxed state and still striving to achieve something. Life is meaningless. You give it your own meaning which is not the meaning the next person will give to it, rendering all meanings without basis. Life is just an experience. A horrid one at that. Life long enough and you’ll agree. No all-knowing, loving, intelligent being created this…. that’s for sure. Great example – murder for food. Would you eat a human? Would you farm humans for food? Yet you partake in farming animals for food every time you eat (exceptions the few vegans/vegetarians). You think those animals are happy? Not a chance, living in terror, they know. Stop lying to yourself about what life really is. Its a horrific thing, we fake happy moments in between so it can make the next painful experience even that much worse. These aren’t opinions, its fact. I wont reply to anyone trying to state a claim to the otherwise, its useless, futile.
There is NOTHING permanent so anyone with half a brain would put your statement together with – sense there’s nothing permanent, there is nothing that can “be happiness.” EVER. You cannot get happiness from anything period. (there is no such thing as a permanent thing..) Find a PURPOSE beyond yourself and live and work for that.
Get homeless of the streets (or make them a sandwich if nothing more.) Provide shelter to animals, feed them, give to them. Be someone bigger than yourself because you as YOU is meaningless. You only get meaning and happiness in life when YOU GIVE to other beings. Anything less and you will NEVER ‘find’ happiness. You cannot BE what you are NOT. Be a giver, then you’ll ‘be happiness.’