“What’s going on with you? You’re radiant!”
Every single one of my cells is vibrating.
“How do you feel?” my wife probes.
“Powerful… alive,” I respond with a kind of depth and certainty that exceeds my normal being.
I’ve just finished a training session with Justin Pierce and my whole body is vibrating.
Pulsing. Electric. Centered.
But in my mind there’s fear.
Not the every day, average, vanilla flavor of fear. My heart is yearning to give more deeply, and at the same time, I’m terrified.
It’s my third session with Justin, personal trainer, coach and mastermind behind Metaphysical Fitness — easily the best work I’ve ever invested in. I met Justin at a David Deida retreat I attended last August in Ojai.
He has one of the facilitators at the retreat and I felt a pull to work with Justin almost immediately. There was a depth about him. An assuredness and presence that I wanted for myself. I wanted to move with direction and purpose the way he seemed to do so effortlessly.
I’ve learned that when I see something in others that I find attractive or magnetic, I’m being called to embody and embrace a quality I possess within myself. A quality that I sometimes think I don’t have, but is waiting underneath the surface to be released.
I’ve also learned to trust my intuition and invest in myself. The more I take the plunge and sign up for the coaching program, the training, the retreat that I feel called to, the more opportunities and deep, soul-satisfying growth happens for me.
So, why all this fear?
Because I’m being called to pursue a new purpose and I’m not yet sure what shape it will take. I don’t have all the answers. I’m not an expert in what I teach now, or what I’m about to consider teaching and leading.
I’m on the path. I’m being called to blaze my own trail, yet again. Just. Like. You.
And my fear, perhaps just like you is that I’ll be found out as a fraud, or I’ll speak my truth and others will think I’m weird. Or I’ll give my gifts and they won’t be received by those I want to reach.
But as I finished this session today, heart beating, body spent and soul alight, I couldn’t keep myself from sharing this message with you.
Creating to impress vs. creating to serve
The truth is that I’ve realized that sometimes (more often than I’d like to admit, if I’m being honest), my desire to create comes first from a sense of wanting to impress. To be liked. I’m afraid of being excluded, “exiled from the tribe” as Steven Pressfield would say.
I’m afraid of what you’ll think if I just create directly from my heart and deeply wanting to serve, without packaging and manicuring my art to have the highest probability of success. I’m afraid of failing and not being liked if I don’t put in all the copywriting techniques, catchy headlines, and social triggers that captivate attention.
Why am I sharing all of this?
Have I always created just from a desire to impress? No, not always. Some creations have poured out unfiltered from my heart to yours.
But I’m tired of impressing and a fear of being “found out” twisting my creations.
“If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding back, then you suffer.” —David Deida
I don’t know if it’s possible to overcome this impulse completely. I think saying it and admitting it out loud helps. At least, I hope it helps you feel less alone.
One thing is certain, I refuse to let myself die with my truest, deepest offerings still inside me.
No more waiting. I’m giving everything.
Will you join me?