If water is too clear, it will not contain fish.
—Chinese proverb
As a culture, we have an obsession with cleanliness. It’s not just bodily cleanliness, though, it’s internal purification as well. We desire to be free of negativity and unwanted emotions and feelings.
So what we often do is push those unwanted feelings out. Or we cover them up with positive thinking. We think, “If I can just think positive enough, then the things I don’t want will disappear.” Yet, I’ve found that this hardly ever works.
I’ve tried it for a long time, and it hasn’t ever worked for me.
It’s in the waste, compost, and ugly mess that flowers grow. It’s through mess that beauty is able to emerge. Not by getting rid of it, but by transforming it.
The water that is too clean has no fish.
Let’s make an assumption. Each thought or situation that arises in your life that you would label as negative or unwanted has an underlying beneficial intention. If you go deeper into the negativity, there may be a lesson, an intended protection, or a concern. And those are there with an intention of doing you some kind of good (even though they may be keeping you stuck or causing you some kind of pain).
By pushing out or trying to escape from a negative situation or thought, you deny a part of yourself. You don’t transform something by denying it. You can’t. You must go through it.
In order to transform it, you must welcome it and give it space. Ask what it is there to teach. Ask what it wants for you. Invite it into your heart, and let it rest there. Make space for it. Only then can you address it and allow it to dissolve.
In this way, the mess becomes beautiful. Underneath the dirt and mess is a beautiful gem. But the mess was necessary in order to create and hold the gem.
If you remember this and practice inviting the mess, you will be able to move beyond it. By holding and loving the unwanted thoughts and emotions, you allow something beautiful to grow in their place. And then, real change can take place. You will no longer be covering up or pushing away with fake positivity. You will experience genuine transformation.
In every mess there is beauty. In every beauty, there is a mess.
Now you can see why denying what we don’t want (the negativity and the mess) we also deny what we do want. We cannot have what we want without going through the mess.
So instead of trying to move away from the mess, go through it. If you always make space for it, it will never control or hinder you again.
photo courtesy of cobalt123
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21 Comments on "The Beautiful Mess of Life: How to Allow and Move Past Negative Patterns"
Well said Jonathan,
I feel there’s a balance to be made in the whole process, which you’ve described fairly well. We can enter the mess but sometimes spend too much time in it because it may feel more comfortable. As much as I can’t stand the “think positive” only trend, I think it could complement the process of going through our individual messes. By going through our messes, we clear and open ourselves up to something more positive.
Take care,
Ben
Hey Jonathan, I’m still obsessed with inner cleanliness, no matter how poetic your post ;)
Mess isn’t an useful word, if you think of it, you have already invited it to your consciousness. While I think it’s true to embrace both, your dark and light side, you should only focus on where you want to be or go. And use the right words to back it up.
Nice post. Permanent positive thought override mode is self-delusional. I’ve also tried it to pretty much no effect. I like the idea of acknowledging negative patterns/events before learning from them and then finally moving past/over/through them.
You may have just saved someone a sh*t load of money they would have spent on therapy to hear this. Going through negative feelings instead of avoiding them or trying to think them away with positivity is actually extremely harmful to your mental health. It can create what is known as an emotional split.
Sorry, meant that trying to think them away or avoiding them is extremely harmful! Going through the negative is good for you.
Every time I fight my negative impulses, or beat myself up for negative thinking the problem not only persists, but often gets worse. It festers. I love your recommendation to “give our messes space.” If we stand too close, we find ourselves buried in it. If we stand back and observe, the root of our problems become clear.
definitely! That’s why I appreciate the “beauty in the breakdown”. Some of the most profound, life transforming actions begin at these fragile moments. But you must have the courage to go through it!
[…] is part of an awesome post I read. Click here to read the whole thing. As a culture, we have an obsession with cleanliness. It’s not just bodily cleanliness, though, […]
I usually don’t post on blogs, but I had to make a comment on this one. Very interesting take! I have to really ponder this and think it through, but I really like it. Nice Job!
I am all for positive thinking. But sometimes positive thinking doesn’t heal the past. Healing often need to take place. Often there is other actions that need to be done. And experiencing the negative thoughts can actually help us develop insight.
I found myself doing myself a disservice when I tried to “think the problems of the past away.” Sure, it works sometimes, but for some of the truly messy things in life it may not work.
You are so correct. I believe Americans, in particular, try to avoid negative feelings and events. In many other countries around the world, there is an acceptance that life includes a lot of suffering. Staying with and accepting adversity, while asking the right questions and reaching out for support along the way, are keys to resilience.
Yes Sir
We was all brought up as kids with dirt and grubby knees. That way we built immunity.
Jonathan
[…] insight. Jonathan shares tips that will help you to move past negative patterns in the article The Beautiful Mess of Life: How to Allow and Move Past Negative Patterns on his blog over at Illuminated Mind and Body. It is worth a […]
Thank you for the topic. I have suffered for a long time as a result of denying negative emotions and choosing to be positive instead of dealing with my emotions. I like the way you refer to it as ‘fake positive’. Everyone else thinks that we are great and doing well when we are really hurting badly inside. I could not understand why I had all these negative emotions popping up anywhere and at anytime until I learned that it was a result of suppressed feeling, which is exactly what you’re pointing out in your article.
[…] For more on the idea of letting the unseen good come out of your negative feelings, check out The Beautiful Mess of Life: How to Allow and Move Past Negative Patterns by Jonathan Mead at […]